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Finding my way

One day at a time

changes

the transition into fall has been horrible. some years, this happens, but sometimes not..this year has just been very bad. i don’t know what has happened. i know we have been dealing with family things and almost losing people. that has stirred up a lot. there are young parts who want to be back in the places they are used to. they don’t understand why things are how they are or why they can’t and why they can’t play with other kids or be like those kids. sometimes it causes a lot of panic for some of them. it isn’t something i can help with though. just like i can’t give them the external people they want to make them feel safe, protect them, etc. it is very painful.

there was a lot of on and off pieces of feelings that were coming up over the weeks. all of a sudden, i think the day before yesterday in the evening, it just came fully to the surface. i think it was several parts and maybe was a flashback from one of them. i am not sure. i just know it was very bad. my head hurt, there was a lot of head pressure, and i was still there but just suffocated by this heaviness and terror and darkness. i am sure there was also a young part mixed in with it all too due to that terror, but i don’t know what it was about. it lasted for a few hours and was on and off then slowly started to fade.  it happened again last night.

things today feel very different. i don’t know how though. i don’t have the words. i feel very detached in a different than usual way. but again, i don’t have the words for it. things have changed.

i am worried this will be ongoing. if it is, things have the potential to get bad fast with self harm and potential suicide attempts. it is so hard to reach out for help from the therapist because trying to speak or dial the phone number is just…hard…so i just wait until the appointment time and suffer until then.

it’s hard to get words out. there is just the feeling of complete aloneness and terror, being stuck in hell with no way out with no one to hear you.

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and it continues

i was just getting pieces of me back into some kind of cohesive place when two family members almost died in the span of two or so weeks. it made things shut down all over again. the fear of losing them, the family breaking apart, the memories related to them disappearing because that happens to me when people die, at least for a while. i cannot comprehend death…people just vanishing, never to be seen again. it is not okay. people who have been safe and/or an anchor of sorts in my life. it’s hard to lose that. when things feel unsafe and not real, having those kinds of things happen makes it worse. it is like part of me goes with them, gets sucked into a vortex, a black hole.

my family members are okay for now. kind of. one has dementia, so that has gotten worse because she had a stroke. it was mild, but it affected her memory even more. it might not get back to how it was. it is very strange watching yet another person be there in front of you and completely change to become someone who is not…them.

there are all these things swirling around in my head. therapy yesterday made me think about fragments since my therapist mentioned that and fragments being less than a full part. i don’t know if she thinks of all the parts as that and not full parts, but it hasn’t sat well with us since. it has created a lot of upset, fear, and confusion from some that they aren’t real and therefore do not matter.

it was suggested i create a female protector to help with the young parts. i did not realize as an adult that you could still create parts and that it could be done outside of trauma since the ones created in me were out of certain situations, but i don’t know when they all even came into existence. it was a bit scary for that to be suggested and confusing, but i understand it would be to encourage healing, have their needs met, etc. but tried to explain that they don’t want a female protector, they want a male one, but an external one or the idea of one (even if it’s someone online i know). but it is very complicated. i find it interesting though since i have a hard time trusting males for several reasons.

i feel like i also interpret things in therapy the wrong way even when i ask questions for clarification…or parts of me misinterpret it. with the mentioning of fragments, it now has some parts scared to be talked about or known about because of the fear they won’t be believed. it has complicated things again. and in that process, it feels like more are saying ‘i’m here, i exist, remember me, remember this?’ very confusing.

lighter

i guess i under estimate how amazing my head is even when things feel like they are destroying me. my mind has an amazing ability to find ways to process things behind the scenes and in dreams. it throws things at me that make no sense and that i try to figure out and work hard to understand, and then magically at some point, things just come together. it isn’t usually over a few days, it can be weeks on end or on and off for months or years when it comes back up again.

therapy was good yesterday. i left feeling lighter and free. i talked about the part that made me feel like i was nothing and punished me for talking about things in the last session. my therapist brought up the point that maybe they are related to shame and are an abuser part that keeps me ‘in line’ and makes me feel like i am a threat for talking when it doesn’t want me to. the thing is, it hasn’t come up before even when similar things were talked about, so it still confuses me. but i think she was right and that they likely are related to shame from several things.

i also talked about different dreams i have had recently and the difference between normal dreams and ones where other parts are in them and there is clear dissociation. i told her how she has been in some dreams and that some of the younger parts feel she is safe.

she reminded me how strong i/we are even though it doesn’t feel like it at times and said she is proud of me/us for doing all this hard work and facing the scary/bad things/parts and getting through it.

i don’t remember everything talked about, but i was more present at least in general.

it has felt so amazing to not have that heaviness (literally) on my head and to be ‘back.’ it always takes a few days to fully adjust to having space back in my own head and getting used to things in general without having to worry about other things getting set off or having to avoid people or situations because of certain parts being too close to the surface or having more space than me.

i hope this can last a little bit longer. it is nice to be back.

it almost destroyed me

i almost didn’t make it (again). talking in therapy friday went really bad. a part in my head warned me to be quiet, but it was after i already said something. it shut down my ability to talk for a few minutes. another part said i had to say something, and the therapist was asking questions, so i had to work hard to get words out. things were uncomfortable and confusing. my head was panicked and then just shut down.

a part moved in and basically took over my head. for days, it tortured me and kept me in hell. my head felt heavy and like this part was entrenched literally into my brain, like a mass. the pressure from it was came and went with the intensity of it. it would come and go sometimes, but it was always there. it made me severely depressed and told me i was worthless, useless, and a threat to the system and the others for talking. i talked about what i did though because of other parts and wanting to keep things safe in general. but that part never saw it that way.

and then a situation with a friend online came up that compounded things and caused me to feel attacked from two sources.

it was my birthday yesterday. i spent it alone for most of the day, horribly dissociated and depressed. i do not cry. when i do, it usually means things are very bad and are close being suicidal. yesterday, i cried a lot. i couldn’t find anyone to talk to that easily. almost everywhere i turned, no one answered or was busy. i did find some to talk to a bit, but it was still difficult.

my sister and her kids came over in the evening to give me a card. it was nice, but it was also difficult because i couldn’t tell her why i was upset. it is too hard with certain things. by then, i started feeling a bit better thankfully.

some things had been worked through with my friend who also apologized, so that helped a bit, and knowing that others did care about me also seemed to get that part to shift a bit and move back. i also had several really disturbing dreams that seemed to process some of all of this too.

i am a bit worried about therapy this friday because i am scared if i talk about that part, it will come back or if i say things it doesn’t want me to, i won’t know again until it’s too late.

i woke up today feeling the part further away. my head still feels strange, but i am hoping it is going back to ‘normal’ and that i will be okay.

it is terrifying how the other parts can be. i forget how powerful some of them can be and how out of my control things can be.

too much of nothing good

had to be honest in therapy about something we’ve been struggling with. there have been a few things linked yet somehow not at the same time. none of it makes much sense. it was horrible having to say all that had to be said. it made me panic and dissociate. my head screaming to stop and that it was dangerous and bad. and then i lost the ability to speak or to lift my head up for quite a while. we talked about why certain things are how they are and that it isn’t my fault for why it exists but ways to try to manage it.

i’ve had this horrible anxiety ball in my stomach with random twitches associated to it and this heavy feeling in my head related to a part that doesn’t really feel safe. they are shut off/down though, so i cannot figure them out like i can other parts. i cannot tell if they are harmful or a protector or both. but it does not feel good.

feelings and thoughts of being worthless have come up. we are horrible and cannot do anything right or good. we mess things up. we are told we are human and some things are human nature, but we just cannot accept it about certain things. it doesn’t seem right. it feels icky, yet it’s not in my control and i think somehow it should be.

the dissociation has been increasing too. i don’t know where July went. everything feels like a mess that will never end. i hope it does end though because if this stuff keeps going on, i cannot handle it. it is wanting me to isolate, distance myself. i am not worthy and do not deserve to be around people. i will taint them or harm them if i am in one way or another. i am not safe. i don’t understand these things. i guess it comes with the part mentioned above. i am not sure though. the more i try to make sense of things, the less i am able to. and talking/writing only does so much. it just is never ending.

sorting things out

we had therapy today. it is hard to be in the waiting area with other people. today was a lot. someone came in upset. they were talking to another person who they know who was also there for therapy (different therapist than mine). it was upsetting and a bit triggering for me to hear this person upset. some things they said were things people said to me before, things people had said to her that upset her. i do not do well when others are upset. it’s uncomfortable and sometimes scary, but not the same type of scary as when people are angry. that is way scarier.

i was able to talk about the memory i had come up that changed since the first time it came back. i was told memory isn’t 100% reliable, but that the feelings were and to trust those feelings. so to me, in all likelihood, that memory was real and how it really was and not the first version.

it is hard to talk about the others and have the therapist talk about them (in general) and how dissociation works, etc. it tends to make me feel more out of it and dissociative, though just going to therapy does that most the time no matter what is talked about.

i was trying to talk about the part that feels like they are going to go hell, but i didn’t give the therapist the reason why. she also didn’t ask why they felt that way, so i didn’t volunteer that information.

we talked about a few other things, but i don’t recall all of it at the moment, just vague things.

i came home and immediately felt this heaviness in my head and sadness inside. i don’t know why. going to therapy is sometimes nice. other times, it’s not. i don’t always leave feeling better, though sometimes i do. i am just exhausted.

while talking about some things, i could feel it coming up a bit in images. i don’t usually have that with most things i talk about. it was kind of a bit disorienting and hard to describe as i was trying to explain.

now i am going to try to unwind. it has been an exhausting day.

when a memory changes

as usual, now that i had therapy yesterday and don’t for two weeks, things have come up where it would be helpful to have therapy.

it was uneventful the last week, and therapy yesterday was pretty much the same, uneventful for the most part. it was nice to have had a week of doing nothing, not even work, but at the same time, i struggled with stay busy and tried to avoid too much down time because it was not helping overall. i had to keep changing tasks to stay busy since my focus was bad, and i got bored really easy. but when it was too quiet and i had nothing to do, i could feel things inside behind the walls but wasn’t sure what it was.

last night, i had to phone the police because i heard a girl hysterically screaming and crying. there was a guy who was yelling at her, and the whole thing was very confusing and triggering. i wasn’t sure what was happening or if it would escalate, so i phoned them. they phoned me later to get my side of it and let me know later that they found her. i don’t know what the actual situation was, but it caused me to dissociate for hours. i was able to calm down anxiety and fear wise an hour or two after, but the dissociation lasted until i was able to fall asleep.

my sleep was restless. i woke up too early again. the dream i had was weird..the usual weird, i guess.

the day was okay until i had a random memory come back. i had it come back to me years prior, but the version of it differs from what came back today enough to make it be something that i didn’t think it was. it was very triggering and again caused me to dissociate. it was a few hours ago, and i am still feeling out of it. i don’t know what to do with it or what version to believe. it is so confusing, and now i don’t have therapy next week to talk about it.

i lack people to talk to about it who will actually hear/listen and who might even have insight into it. i don’t know how a memory can change…which one is the real one? it doesn’t do any good anyway no matter which version was right. but it still is scary and difficult to even try to process.

i feel so alone.

therapy/ways of thinking

therapy is different every time i go. at the end of today’s session, i had a realization that i never knew before. i used to think i just lost a filter or one of the other parts would randomly say things that i couldn’t control, which is true, but i also realized that sometimes my mind is blank and there are zero thoughts, yet words come out. i guess it is another part who talks, but that never occurred to me how i can talk and have no thought about what i am going to say before i say it. “I” usually think before i speak because i need to have that kind of control. when things randomly come out, it is sometimes frustrating and doesn’t feel okay because things about me/us can get said that i have zero intention of saying, but i guess there is a part or some who feel the need to share things…it just was interesting to figure that out. i also was told that some people can have that at times in general but that it is usually more common in dissociative disorders/DID.

i was also told that thoughts are silent voices unless i misunderstood that. i know what MY thought voice sounds like; it sounds like my spoken voice, but with the others, it can vary depending on who is around, who is thinking, who i can hear…and sometimes it is more difficult, but i know it’s not my thought voice in my head because i can have simultaneous streams of thoughts and things going on, it just isn’t actual voices in my head like it used to be/sometimes is.

i still wonder how people without DID/dissociation think. how do they talk to themselves in their head? do they hear themselves in their head? do they always have a thought before they talk or a thought before they do things? is it ever blank in their head?

time

time is running out. there is a part who keeps saying that. it is a theme with them. i find it interesting because i never had much concept of time growing up. i never had a sense of growing up or what i wanted to do career wise. there was nothing like that, just nothingness, blankness, and darkness at the thought of it. but time is running out.

it comes up related to things that need to get done or when there are plans to visit family…or with therapy and when it is cancelled or how much time is left over the next few years to progress more.

it evokes panic and fear and becomes paralyzing, but at the same time it stalls things at times and goes in a viscous circle. do things now or never do them. but how can you do that when fear and anxiety in general make it hard to actually things? one day, things seem easier but the next feel impossible. there is no warning. there is no reason (but there is).

it all gets so confusing. time also is associated with the past and the present, not just the future. i don’t know where we fit because we are in all those places at the same time.

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