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Finding my way

One day at a time

when a memory changes

as usual, now that i had therapy yesterday and don’t for two weeks, things have come up where it would be helpful to have therapy.

it was uneventful the last week, and therapy yesterday was pretty much the same, uneventful for the most part. it was nice to have had a week of doing nothing, not even work, but at the same time, i struggled with stay busy and tried to avoid too much down time because it was not helping overall. i had to keep changing tasks to stay busy since my focus was bad, and i got bored really easy. but when it was too quiet and i had nothing to do, i could feel things inside behind the walls but wasn’t sure what it was.

last night, i had to phone the police because i heard a girl hysterically screaming and crying. there was a guy who was yelling at her, and the whole thing was very confusing and triggering. i wasn’t sure what was happening or if it would escalate, so i phoned them. they phoned me later to get my side of it and let me know later that they found her. i don’t know what the actual situation was, but it caused me to dissociate for hours. i was able to calm down anxiety and fear wise an hour or two after, but the dissociation lasted until i was able to fall asleep.

my sleep was restless. i woke up too early again. the dream i had was weird..the usual weird, i guess.

the day was okay until i had a random memory come back. i had it come back to me years prior, but the version of it differs from what came back today enough to make it be something that i didn’t think it was. it was very triggering and again caused me to dissociate. it was a few hours ago, and i am still feeling out of it. i don’t know what to do with it or what version to believe. it is so confusing, and now i don’t have therapy next week to talk about it.

i lack people to talk to about it who will actually hear/listen and who might even have insight into it. i don’t know how a memory can change…which one is the real one? it doesn’t do any good anyway no matter which version was right. but it still is scary and difficult to even try to process.

i feel so alone.

therapy/ways of thinking

therapy is different every time i go. at the end of today’s session, i had a realization that i never knew before. i used to think i just lost a filter or one of the other parts would randomly say things that i couldn’t control, which is true, but i also realized that sometimes my mind is blank and there are zero thoughts, yet words come out. i guess it is another part who talks, but that never occurred to me how i can talk and have no thought about what i am going to say before i say it. “I” usually think before i speak because i need to have that kind of control. when things randomly come out, it is sometimes frustrating and doesn’t feel okay because things about me/us can get said that i have zero intention of saying, but i guess there is a part or some who feel the need to share things…it just was interesting to figure that out. i also was told that some people can have that at times in general but that it is usually more common in dissociative disorders/DID.

i was also told that thoughts are silent voices unless i misunderstood that. i know what MY thought voice sounds like; it sounds like my spoken voice, but with the others, it can vary depending on who is around, who is thinking, who i can hear…and sometimes it is more difficult, but i know it’s not my thought voice in my head because i can have simultaneous streams of thoughts and things going on, it just isn’t actual voices in my head like it used to be/sometimes is.

i still wonder how people without DID/dissociation think. how do they talk to themselves in their head? do they hear themselves in their head? do they always have a thought before they talk or a thought before they do things? is it ever blank in their head?

time

time is running out. there is a part who keeps saying that. it is a theme with them. i find it interesting because i never had much concept of time growing up. i never had a sense of growing up or what i wanted to do career wise. there was nothing like that, just nothingness, blankness, and darkness at the thought of it. but time is running out.

it comes up related to things that need to get done or when there are plans to visit family…or with therapy and when it is cancelled or how much time is left over the next few years to progress more.

it evokes panic and fear and becomes paralyzing, but at the same time it stalls things at times and goes in a viscous circle. do things now or never do them. but how can you do that when fear and anxiety in general make it hard to actually things? one day, things seem easier but the next feel impossible. there is no warning. there is no reason (but there is).

it all gets so confusing. time also is associated with the past and the present, not just the future. i don’t know where we fit because we are in all those places at the same time.

there are no answers

one sentence i happened to read somewhere online last night seemed to set things off. it had several parts upset and was related to how those who hurt us often were nice and did things in ways that you wouldn’t think an abuser would do. that is what confused one part who is quite young. she thought that someone we were close to really did care about her/us (he really did). he was nice to us, and i guess she thought that it meant something. but it couldn’t really. we were family. he never did things like that. it was just once, i think. but it is what causes confusion in a child. how can they show kindness and turn around and do something so horrible.

how can they say they love you and be nice and then turn into a monster. and make you be quiet and know you will be out of fear. they know how to work things to their advantage. when they can do it once or twice to test you, they know they can keep doing it. (but they think we are special). it’s not how it should be. it isn’t right.

they took things from us. but it doesn’t matter anymore. not to them. it doesn’t matter how good we are/were. we still got hurt. (that had nothing to do with it.)

are we okay? (i don’t know). i hope so.

they keep asking why. i don’t have the answers. i don’t know why we were hurt like we were. it just happened. too many times.

where to go from here

therapy makes me nervous, especially when i don’t go for more than a week. but it went well friday from what i recall…which right now is very little.

we talked about the others and trying to have more dialogue with them. i am still trying to figure out how to do that with journal writing. i cannot quite recall what she said about that, but i liked the idea of it.

we also talked about family a bit again. there are opportunities for me to see several family members again, but i do not want to go for as long as my sister is going for, so that is a problem.

i am having a real issue writing now after my last entry asking why people read this and having one person respond. it is bringing up a part that is wondering why we even bother to write and another part that wants me to just delete this and not write anymore. but then of course there is me who feels the need to write and vent, so i am stuck in between now. and “people suck” according to them. (i know it is not true of everyone, but they feel that way).

why do you read my blog?

since i have a few followers now and you all read my blog and ‘like’ it, i am curious what led you to me. why do you read my blog? do you struggle with similar things or did you just randomly find me and decide to follow me? i usually do not get comments, so i am curious also why that is. do you just not know what to say?

part of why i started a blog was to get feedback and connect with people to some degree. i honestly find it sometimes disheartening to see i got a new ‘like’ but no comment. it feels more like facebook where people just like a post and move on and are more removed from things. a blog, to me anyway, should be different. it’s for sharing things on a different/deeper level than just posting a status update on facebook, and hopefully also for a bit more connection with those who follow it. maybe i am asking for too much. i don’t know.

it just is way different than years ago when i used to have an online journal. i would get feedback, opinions, thoughts, etc. from others and ‘met’ many people through it. it was a source of support for me as well as gave me the opportunity to support others. i also met many people through chatrooms and other sites, some of who became good friends, and some who i met in person.

online support has been a part of my life since i was 13. in fact, several times, it has literally saved my life. but over the last few years, i feel like people are almost more disconnected online than how it used to be. or maybe it’s just me.  things just feel…different.

not understanding

for whatever reason, things didn’t stay okay. i’m not sure what happened, but yesterday i was all of a sudden severely depressed. or part of me was. it was like this weight on my brain again that took over everything.  i tried to see around it, over it, through it, but i couldn’t. it was suffocating and full of self hate which also led to a bad body image day. it was difficult. i felt urges to cry. there were self destructive thoughts. that part wanted to die. i didn’t want to. i wanted the feelings to stop but couldn’t make them. i tried to acknowledge it and just let it be, but it was really hard. i felt trapped in it. i tried to listen to it. it just kept whispering thoughts at me and getting in too deep. it did not feel safe. i did not feel safe. but yet again, i was alone with it. alone as i always am.

as much as i would have wanted someone to be there/with me, i don’t know if it would have helped. that is the more difficult part to this all. there are so many contradictions to things. i never know what is right or what isn’t. it’s hard to trust my own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions even when they don’t feel right.

therapy stuff

i have been sick for the last week. it’s just been mild. i was going to cancel therapy tomorrow, but to my surprise, my therapist had something come up and would have cancelled anyway. i really didn’t want to but it’s hard to really focus and talk about things when you physically are unwell, and i didn’t want to potentially get other people sick either.

but because of therapy being cancelled tomorrow and also next friday, it brings up a bunch of other emotions and thoughts. some parts are scared about not going because she is a kind of anchor for them. they also fear she will disappear and never come back. others think she hates us and that is why she has cancelled next friday. it doesn’t help when i try to explain to them those things are not true and that she will come back and that it’s not personal, she has things in her life to do.  it is difficult also because i know that we need more access to her. it just isn’t something that can happen though. if she allowed texting, that might be good.

i know they need more therapy of some type. it’s been something i’ve contemplated for a while now, but at the same time, too much can cause things to become too unstable. so i am usually just at a loss. i don’t know how they can express themselves more.

better

…and things are back to being okay, at least for the last two days. i managed to get out of the house tomorrow and NOT feel on edge/anxious. it felt like whatever part has been around that has been so full of fear and anxiety stepped back. we were able to hold our head up and look at people and talk to people and not feel the need to run and hide. it was nice.

but there are still a lot of feelings that come up with feeling inadequate, inferior, etc. and a bunch of other things. it’s a mix of young parts and older parts and all the things that come up with a young child and older teens/adults…this whole confusing mix of trying to navigate a world within all of those contexts. it doesn’t really work so well. they all want to do different things, but none of it can be done for various reasons.

the last therapy session was just spent talking about random useless things. i feel like it was a wasted and stupid session, but it was still kind of better than the previous one where two or three parts came out. i still never did talk about the one bad dream i had and the abuse in it and how it made me/us feel. now, it seems pointless to go back and talk about it, but it kind of also ties into some of the feelings lately…not that it matters though.

i am hoping i feel better to go to therapy friday. i’ve been fighting something off since the weekend. i don’t have therapy next friday, so some parts are anxious about that. things change so much that i never know what day will bring up what. but i know the longer there is lack of consistency with therapy, the more difficult it can be to want to talk again for some reason.

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