i guess i under estimate how amazing my head is even when things feel like they are destroying me. my mind has an amazing ability to find ways to process things behind the scenes and in dreams. it throws things at me that make no sense and that i try to figure out and work hard to understand, and then magically at some point, things just come together. it isn’t usually over a few days, it can be weeks on end or on and off for months or years when it comes back up again.
therapy was good yesterday. i left feeling lighter and free. i talked about the part that made me feel like i was nothing and punished me for talking about things in the last session. my therapist brought up the point that maybe they are related to shame and are an abuser part that keeps me ‘in line’ and makes me feel like i am a threat for talking when it doesn’t want me to. the thing is, it hasn’t come up before even when similar things were talked about, so it still confuses me. but i think she was right and that they likely are related to shame from several things.
i also talked about different dreams i have had recently and the difference between normal dreams and ones where other parts are in them and there is clear dissociation. i told her how she has been in some dreams and that some of the younger parts feel she is safe.
she reminded me how strong i/we are even though it doesn’t feel like it at times and said she is proud of me/us for doing all this hard work and facing the scary/bad things/parts and getting through it.
i don’t remember everything talked about, but i was more present at least in general.
it has felt so amazing to not have that heaviness (literally) on my head and to be ‘back.’ it always takes a few days to fully adjust to having space back in my own head and getting used to things in general without having to worry about other things getting set off or having to avoid people or situations because of certain parts being too close to the surface or having more space than me.
i hope this can last a little bit longer. it is nice to be back.