the transition into fall has been horrible. some years, this happens, but sometimes not..this year has just been very bad. i don’t know what has happened. i know we have been dealing with family things and almost losing people. that has stirred up a lot. there are young parts who want to be back in the places they are used to. they don’t understand why things are how they are or why they can’t and why they can’t play with other kids or be like those kids. sometimes it causes a lot of panic for some of them. it isn’t something i can help with though. just like i can’t give them the external people they want to make them feel safe, protect them, etc. it is very painful.
there was a lot of on and off pieces of feelings that were coming up over the weeks. all of a sudden, i think the day before yesterday in the evening, it just came fully to the surface. i think it was several parts and maybe was a flashback from one of them. i am not sure. i just know it was very bad. my head hurt, there was a lot of head pressure, and i was still there but just suffocated by this heaviness and terror and darkness. i am sure there was also a young part mixed in with it all too due to that terror, but i don’t know what it was about. it lasted for a few hours and was on and off then slowly started to fade. it happened again last night.
things today feel very different. i don’t know how though. i don’t have the words. i feel very detached in a different than usual way. but again, i don’t have the words for it. things have changed.
i am worried this will be ongoing. if it is, things have the potential to get bad fast with self harm and potential suicide attempts. it is so hard to reach out for help from the therapist because trying to speak or dial the phone number is just…hard…so i just wait until the appointment time and suffer until then.
it’s hard to get words out. there is just the feeling of complete aloneness and terror, being stuck in hell with no way out with no one to hear you.