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Finding my way

One day at a time

alone

i feel too alone with all of this. crushing depression. it’s not what i’m used to. the more the dissociation happens and the more the others are active, the more likely it is for depression to happen because it all takes so much energy to try to keep getting through each day and trying to keep the small routine i have (which has changed work wise the last few weeks and not helped at all).

there have been self harm urges and darkness, fear. i can’t go out of the house anymore without being on edge and anxious. i jump, my arms twitch, when a loud noise is unexpected. then the anxiety gets worse. i fear people are watching me even if it’s how people do in general, people watch. i don’t know why it bothers, but it does.

nothing feels right or okay, and no one can fix it. i wish someone could make it all go away. the past is always there even when it’s not.

disconnected therapy session

therapy today was just very strange. i was triggered last night which just caused more triggering. it took hours for the dissociation to lessen. thunder and lightning added to it a bit.

i had to go out today for therapy during more rain and thunder and lightning which thankfully didn’t hit until after therapy. but i was so dissociated during the session. i was able to mention the bad dream i had and how i know it was more a flashback/body memory but wasn’t able to talk about the content. i wanted to but a combo of the dissociation and the therapist moving the conversation along didn’t really allow me to.

i don’t recall a lot of the session, but it was shorter than usual, maybe just 20 minutes. she was talking about me being real and didn’t used to think i was real. i have no idea if she meant in a dissociation term and that i was so dissociated and switching that this ‘me’ was not ‘real’ or if she meant more like she didn’t believe things i said to her….though i will assume the dissociation term instead.

i tried to tell her i didn’t understand what she was saying. the dissociation at one point got so bad that i really couldn’t understand the words she was saying. i guess it didn’t make sense saying that since i was still staying on topic and answering her…but it really was like she was speaking another language. it was confusing.

it is hard having sessions like that because everything in my head feels weird which then extends to the limited external reality i can keep in touch with making everything else seem weird which is also why i have no idea what she meant.

i am still very dissociated. it has been a rough day.

bad dream

I had an okay week or so. I started to feel more present and was getting used to being here more. Not that I left…or at least I don’t know where I was 100%. But the other day, I said to the others inside that I was ready for more information and we could try going slow in bits and pieces to make sure it is safe.

I feel like I jinxed myself because I had a horrible dream this morning. The surrounding events were not things that happened in real life, but what did happen in it was a real event of being hurt as a young child.

In the dream, there was a man (not anyone I have known in real life) and my mom and stepdad (he wasn’t around until I was 11) and this random girl who was with the man. I won’t go into details, but he ended up hurting me. My mom and stepdad were trying to help me as they saw him take me, and they were walking towards us. I remember him hurting me and the feelings of terror, confusion, shame, humiliation, embarrassment and not wanting anyone to see me and what was happening. I ended up switching into a little girl, my body anyway, and then being inside my head where everything was dark, and all I could feel were his hands on me. Then I was back in front and seeing things in front of me and feeling all these feelings.

That was the part that happened in real life, the being hurt and all those feelings and feeling his hands on me. Feeling like he had taken a part of me in that moment, like I was nothing, and doing it in places he could have easily been caught but never was, like he knew he was getting away with it. And he did. To this day, they don’t believe me.

lost time

things are still really confusing. i thought that i was writing things somewhere, either here or the paper journal, but i wasn’t. i’m not really sure where all that was happening or what it was all about thought wise.

several triggering things happened over the last few weeks with family or just in general where some of the others were triggered. the panic attacks have come back, though i’m not sure if they ever really left either. it is all just a blur.

i know more of the others have been around but still cannot recall that much about the rest of them except the one that took over 95% where i was trapped inside. i just remember it was very dark and that they felt the only way to be safe was to die (them, not me). it was really scary because their level of terror was so intense. i don’t know how long it was for, hours, days, etc.

it has been tiring because of them all coming and going and me trying to still function in the external world. things are just really blurry, but thankfully work still is getting done.

i had some more details of past stuff from my sisters, but nothing really significant or that helpful. i don’t think any of them recall much that i need to know, so there is likely nothing else to talk to them about in that regard. as for my mother, she still denies things could have happened except what was corroborated by my sisters and what she was present for, so i doubt i’ll get any additional information since i get the same answers almost every time.

i did find out which bedroom one person who lived with us stayed in as i was unsure of where everyone slept then. we had six bedrooms and seven people living in the house for a while when i was five. but it still doesn’t really help with another aspect of my memories so still has me confused with that part.

i am hoping that things are starting to level out. it takes some getting used to fully being back/being myself and not having the others be so active for a while. every time i think they are gone (they can be for weeks), they do come back again in intense ways (or subtle ways i don’t always realize).

the internal and external realities have mixed a lot the last while too.

Talking with family about past

I have tried talking to my mom about things from my past (early/mid childhood) to try to make sense of things. Sometimes, she would answer me, other times she would deny and outright yelled at me once. But I keep trying every time I say it’s the last time in hopes that new things will be shared with me. This time, one of my older sisters was around for the conversation.

It was started after talking about freedom of speech and a bunch of other things and how my sister said that her personality type is the type to deal with her things through talking, getting mad, processing it, then moving on and that some people who have been traumatized have often not been given the right coping skills/help then often end up on disability and live in ‘victim’ mode and things along those lines. She said I was an exception only because I was born so early which then led into another conversation about how my mother still thinks me thinking I was sexually abused was only because I was born early and didn’t really happen and that many preemies have symptoms similar to those who were abused just because of their early life experiences of being poked and prodded many times daily for months and not being able to get away, living in pain, etc.

My sister agreed with her, and they both talked about how shy I was as a young child (I still am kind of) and how people would get in my space and how it would bother me. Yes, I know that happened and how it affected me, but it still is different from the events of abuse. And not every man (or woman) who invaded my space became someone I thought abused me, so that’s kind of how I feel their theory with that isn’t exactly true.

I know I don’t have to prove to them I was abused, I have partial memories of it, and things don’t add up between those and my responses, and it’s not there just because someone invaded my personal space a few times. But it still is difficult to trust myself when people come at me with their theories and opinions.

I also know memories can be distorted or that you can have two pieces of unrelated memories merge together. But I also know how dissociation works and tried again to explain it to them. And the things I do remember that some of them were there for also was actually accurate, so it proved my point that I can remember accurately during some really bad traumas. They also told me of parts of events I had no memory of. The other thing is that there were other things that weren’t as bad and didn’t bother me as much when I’d think if my mind had the potential to take ‘everything’ as a potential threat that it would have affected me more.

I also have extreme reactions to things, triggers, etc. at times which just doesn’t add up to ‘normal’ things having caused them due to my brain misinterpreting or confusing things. It still also doesn’t explain why as a child when I’d go to a friend’s house and not know their father/mother’s boyfriend, etc. that I’d fear them hurting me in a specific way or one time going with a friend with her stepdad to his friend’s and needing to get away because I feared they were going to hurt us. I don’t think thoughts like that are ‘normal’ or come from no legit reality based place.

Just so many things don’t add up. I trust myself, but at the same time it’s hard to. I know too that the feelings are real even if the memories are not all there. It’s hard explaining to people how you know things without the proof. And I also want to prove to myself, I guess, that it is all real. Things did happen. It wouldn’t just exist for no reason or no good reason.

So much confusion. Last night after that conversation and after they left, I fell back into that dissociative terror type place. It has come up a few times since Friday, and it gets incredibly scary because everything inside shuts down and shuts out everything externally but also brings harm/suicide feelings/thoughts because the only way part of me feels ‘safe’ is to get away because everything/everyone has a level of toxicity or danger during that time.

parts are awakening

the last few days are so strange. i am trying to piece together how the system works. it seems at times (random times) that there are some clusters of alters/parts that trigger each other/work together or come around in quick succession. i don’t know how it all works because i don’t know if it’s the same each time.

today, i got woken up by a pre-verbal infant alter. in the past, many years ago, i thought there was a 1 1/2 or 1-year-old one, but i wasn’t sure. i had not encountered them before. this morning though, in the in between awake/asleep state, i heard her laughing, giggling, and making other noises a pre-verbal child would make. i got the sense that she wanted me to wake up as she kept making noises until i did. then when i was awake, she went away…like how all the others do when they do that kind of thing. i vaguely recall waking up an hour or two before i had to and talking to some of them. i don’t know what they were saying, but i remember saying we could sleep still for a bit.

i worked and managed to focus enough on it, but once that stopped, the dissociation hit again. it was kind of just like a blanket put over me, nothing scary or harsh like the last few days, though that was related to other alters who are scared and hurting.

i decided i needed to go to the store so went to plan what to wear. we wanted to wear something with flowers, something spring like. and then another part wanted to wear boots and look ‘sexy.’ that is fine and all, but i didn’t feel comfortable with it. i am the one who the world knows and sees, not that part, and just going to the store i don’t think really warrants trying to look sexy…and the issue with looking sexy is it is dangerous and bad and just creates problems for us with men and is unsafe. though i do feel bad that part wasn’t able to express herself…on the other hand, i have allowed us/her to start wearing lipstick and am trying to get used to it. i feel like it’s one step in letting that part have that at least, and it’s non threatening for us too.

still unsure why all of a sudden they are all surfacing and what has happened…the time of year? it is easter soon. i don’t know about traumas around easter though…but spring in general, yes, and times where the weather was similar. it’s like a re-awakening/awakening again. i don’t know if it will continue or level off again…as difficult as it can be, i am glad that things have made progress because feeling like we are at a standstill makes it hard to know we are moving forward in any way, and the frustration some of us feel from that causes other things to be triggered.

dissociation ongoing

i have felt a lot of parts coming to the surface more. it’s been a whirlwind. so many that i can’t always separate them out since they overlap. there has been one filled with intense terror and needing someone to help. there has been one who gets upset/angry/frustrated when there is no one for us to talk to. there has been one who doesn’t want to be ‘here’ anymore because of the pain and how scary things are. mixed with that has been self harm thoughts/urges. then another part related to something else, maybe two, who are more dark and unsafe in other ways.

i have been dissociated for days with just some time where i am not around people/family. once i haven’t been, it is right back again. my head starts to spin from inside, and everything outside gets far away. i can feel the shifts, and it’s just this confusing swirling.

it was bad not long ago with terror, fear, feeling like my skin was crawling, like i needed to get away, to be safe, but there was nowhere. i felt my body start rocking and the counting in my head start.

it is so hard to explain it all….how dissociation works and when alters are there. everything just smooshes together and is confusing. nothing makes sense. things shut down.

i need to figure out what this terror is..i have been there before…it’s like being stuck, held hostage somewhere in the dark with no way out, and no one can hear you or find you. i don’t know if it’s parts with memory pieces, if parts are stuck there..if they trigger each other…how to help them or talk to them or let them talk…

i don’t know what has caused this.

struggling again

Am feeling sad. Things have felt off the last few days. There is a bit more dissociation in a different way than usual. Whatever that even means.

Therapy today was difficult. I was able to talk and then it just stopped. It made me uncomfortable. I hate silence. The silence gives me anxiety, more when there is another person in the room. I hate it.

I was able to talk about some things that came up before and after my trip. I was able to talk about the younger part the other night and how I was able to write for her on a forum. It was strange talking about that and her. I got really warm and was really uncomfortable. The therapist asked if I knew which part it was. I said who I thought it was.

Then we talked about how sometimes I feel like I’m making it up. The therapist said I am not the type to and that it wouldn’t benefit me at all. My mom and dad both accused me of making things up and thinking I had things because I ‘read too much online’ or ‘watched too many talk shows.’  I only wish that I DID make things up because then it would be a lot easier and not cause so much distress.

It feels like something is building up inside, and it isn’t good. I have to be with family tomorrow and then the week after next see more family. I am hoping that things will calm down inside enough to do that. I am not used to this even though I’ve lived it my whole life.

I am trying to remind myself what my therapist told me today, that things will not stay the same inside and that things will change. She told me I did a good job today with sitting with the uncomfortable feelings. It was strange how hearing that was calming to some of the others and kind of made me sad in a way. She also said that my mom cannot/will not help me in the way that she doesn’t allow me to be my real self/selves and never will, never has. It is sad though also to know that and want it to be different…knowing that I am alone in this except the therapist and the few people I am able to be real with, though even most of them don’t understand the depth of things (which I don’t expect), but it makes it difficult on a whole other level too which causes me to feel I am annoying people or have to hide at certain times in order to not make them uncomfortable because I might sound too crazy.

back to reality

I went on my vacation. It went pretty good. I did a lot of walking and saw a lot of things. I even slept well which is unusual.

Now that I’ve been home for a few days, things feel strange. I have been feeling like I’ve been trying to outrun something, like something has started to build and build and now is starting to surface again. I can feel a young part is sad and upset that there is no one we can talk to. It isn’t that there is no one to talk to (but kind of), but she feels alone, I guess. I don’t know what would make her feel less alone though either because she doesn’t talk to anyone, so I don’t really understand why she feels alone. Maybe she just likes knowing that someone is around.

 

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