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Finding my way

One day at a time

why do you read my blog?

since i have a few followers now and you all read my blog and ‘like’ it, i am curious what led you to me. why do you read my blog? do you struggle with similar things or did you just randomly find me and decide to follow me? i usually do not get comments, so i am curious also why that is. do you just not know what to say?

part of why i started a blog was to get feedback and connect with people to some degree. i honestly find it sometimes disheartening to see i got a new ‘like’ but no comment. it feels more like facebook where people just like a post and move on and are more removed from things. a blog, to me anyway, should be different. it’s for sharing things on a different/deeper level than just posting a status update on facebook, and hopefully also for a bit more connection with those who follow it. maybe i am asking for too much. i don’t know.

it just is way different than years ago when i used to have an online journal. i would get feedback, opinions, thoughts, etc. from others and ‘met’ many people through it. it was a source of support for me as well as gave me the opportunity to support others. i also met many people through chatrooms and other sites, some of who became good friends, and some who i met in person.

online support has been a part of my life since i was 13. in fact, several times, it has literally saved my life. but over the last few years, i feel like people are almost more disconnected online than how it used to be. or maybe it’s just me.  things just feel…different.

not understanding

for whatever reason, things didn’t stay okay. i’m not sure what happened, but yesterday i was all of a sudden severely depressed. or part of me was. it was like this weight on my brain again that took over everything.  i tried to see around it, over it, through it, but i couldn’t. it was suffocating and full of self hate which also led to a bad body image day. it was difficult. i felt urges to cry. there were self destructive thoughts. that part wanted to die. i didn’t want to. i wanted the feelings to stop but couldn’t make them. i tried to acknowledge it and just let it be, but it was really hard. i felt trapped in it. i tried to listen to it. it just kept whispering thoughts at me and getting in too deep. it did not feel safe. i did not feel safe. but yet again, i was alone with it. alone as i always am.

as much as i would have wanted someone to be there/with me, i don’t know if it would have helped. that is the more difficult part to this all. there are so many contradictions to things. i never know what is right or what isn’t. it’s hard to trust my own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions even when they don’t feel right.

therapy stuff

i have been sick for the last week. it’s just been mild. i was going to cancel therapy tomorrow, but to my surprise, my therapist had something come up and would have cancelled anyway. i really didn’t want to but it’s hard to really focus and talk about things when you physically are unwell, and i didn’t want to potentially get other people sick either.

but because of therapy being cancelled tomorrow and also next friday, it brings up a bunch of other emotions and thoughts. some parts are scared about not going because she is a kind of anchor for them. they also fear she will disappear and never come back. others think she hates us and that is why she has cancelled next friday. it doesn’t help when i try to explain to them those things are not true and that she will come back and that it’s not personal, she has things in her life to do.  it is difficult also because i know that we need more access to her. it just isn’t something that can happen though. if she allowed texting, that might be good.

i know they need more therapy of some type. it’s been something i’ve contemplated for a while now, but at the same time, too much can cause things to become too unstable. so i am usually just at a loss. i don’t know how they can express themselves more.

better

…and things are back to being okay, at least for the last two days. i managed to get out of the house tomorrow and NOT feel on edge/anxious. it felt like whatever part has been around that has been so full of fear and anxiety stepped back. we were able to hold our head up and look at people and talk to people and not feel the need to run and hide. it was nice.

but there are still a lot of feelings that come up with feeling inadequate, inferior, etc. and a bunch of other things. it’s a mix of young parts and older parts and all the things that come up with a young child and older teens/adults…this whole confusing mix of trying to navigate a world within all of those contexts. it doesn’t really work so well. they all want to do different things, but none of it can be done for various reasons.

the last therapy session was just spent talking about random useless things. i feel like it was a wasted and stupid session, but it was still kind of better than the previous one where two or three parts came out. i still never did talk about the one bad dream i had and the abuse in it and how it made me/us feel. now, it seems pointless to go back and talk about it, but it kind of also ties into some of the feelings lately…not that it matters though.

i am hoping i feel better to go to therapy friday. i’ve been fighting something off since the weekend. i don’t have therapy next friday, so some parts are anxious about that. things change so much that i never know what day will bring up what. but i know the longer there is lack of consistency with therapy, the more difficult it can be to want to talk again for some reason.

alone

i feel too alone with all of this. crushing depression. it’s not what i’m used to. the more the dissociation happens and the more the others are active, the more likely it is for depression to happen because it all takes so much energy to try to keep getting through each day and trying to keep the small routine i have (which has changed work wise the last few weeks and not helped at all).

there have been self harm urges and darkness, fear. i can’t go out of the house anymore without being on edge and anxious. i jump, my arms twitch, when a loud noise is unexpected. then the anxiety gets worse. i fear people are watching me even if it’s how people do in general, people watch. i don’t know why it bothers, but it does.

nothing feels right or okay, and no one can fix it. i wish someone could make it all go away. the past is always there even when it’s not.

disconnected therapy session

therapy today was just very strange. i was triggered last night which just caused more triggering. it took hours for the dissociation to lessen. thunder and lightning added to it a bit.

i had to go out today for therapy during more rain and thunder and lightning which thankfully didn’t hit until after therapy. but i was so dissociated during the session. i was able to mention the bad dream i had and how i know it was more a flashback/body memory but wasn’t able to talk about the content. i wanted to but a combo of the dissociation and the therapist moving the conversation along didn’t really allow me to.

i don’t recall a lot of the session, but it was shorter than usual, maybe just 20 minutes. she was talking about me being real and didn’t used to think i was real. i have no idea if she meant in a dissociation term and that i was so dissociated and switching that this ‘me’ was not ‘real’ or if she meant more like she didn’t believe things i said to her….though i will assume the dissociation term instead.

i tried to tell her i didn’t understand what she was saying. the dissociation at one point got so bad that i really couldn’t understand the words she was saying. i guess it didn’t make sense saying that since i was still staying on topic and answering her…but it really was like she was speaking another language. it was confusing.

it is hard having sessions like that because everything in my head feels weird which then extends to the limited external reality i can keep in touch with making everything else seem weird which is also why i have no idea what she meant.

i am still very dissociated. it has been a rough day.

bad dream

I had an okay week or so. I started to feel more present and was getting used to being here more. Not that I left…or at least I don’t know where I was 100%. But the other day, I said to the others inside that I was ready for more information and we could try going slow in bits and pieces to make sure it is safe.

I feel like I jinxed myself because I had a horrible dream this morning. The surrounding events were not things that happened in real life, but what did happen in it was a real event of being hurt as a young child.

In the dream, there was a man (not anyone I have known in real life) and my mom and stepdad (he wasn’t around until I was 11) and this random girl who was with the man. I won’t go into details, but he ended up hurting me. My mom and stepdad were trying to help me as they saw him take me, and they were walking towards us. I remember him hurting me and the feelings of terror, confusion, shame, humiliation, embarrassment and not wanting anyone to see me and what was happening. I ended up switching into a little girl, my body anyway, and then being inside my head where everything was dark, and all I could feel were his hands on me. Then I was back in front and seeing things in front of me and feeling all these feelings.

That was the part that happened in real life, the being hurt and all those feelings and feeling his hands on me. Feeling like he had taken a part of me in that moment, like I was nothing, and doing it in places he could have easily been caught but never was, like he knew he was getting away with it. And he did. To this day, they don’t believe me.

lost time

things are still really confusing. i thought that i was writing things somewhere, either here or the paper journal, but i wasn’t. i’m not really sure where all that was happening or what it was all about thought wise.

several triggering things happened over the last few weeks with family or just in general where some of the others were triggered. the panic attacks have come back, though i’m not sure if they ever really left either. it is all just a blur.

i know more of the others have been around but still cannot recall that much about the rest of them except the one that took over 95% where i was trapped inside. i just remember it was very dark and that they felt the only way to be safe was to die (them, not me). it was really scary because their level of terror was so intense. i don’t know how long it was for, hours, days, etc.

it has been tiring because of them all coming and going and me trying to still function in the external world. things are just really blurry, but thankfully work still is getting done.

i had some more details of past stuff from my sisters, but nothing really significant or that helpful. i don’t think any of them recall much that i need to know, so there is likely nothing else to talk to them about in that regard. as for my mother, she still denies things could have happened except what was corroborated by my sisters and what she was present for, so i doubt i’ll get any additional information since i get the same answers almost every time.

i did find out which bedroom one person who lived with us stayed in as i was unsure of where everyone slept then. we had six bedrooms and seven people living in the house for a while when i was five. but it still doesn’t really help with another aspect of my memories so still has me confused with that part.

i am hoping that things are starting to level out. it takes some getting used to fully being back/being myself and not having the others be so active for a while. every time i think they are gone (they can be for weeks), they do come back again in intense ways (or subtle ways i don’t always realize).

the internal and external realities have mixed a lot the last while too.

Talking with family about past

I have tried talking to my mom about things from my past (early/mid childhood) to try to make sense of things. Sometimes, she would answer me, other times she would deny and outright yelled at me once. But I keep trying every time I say it’s the last time in hopes that new things will be shared with me. This time, one of my older sisters was around for the conversation.

It was started after talking about freedom of speech and a bunch of other things and how my sister said that her personality type is the type to deal with her things through talking, getting mad, processing it, then moving on and that some people who have been traumatized have often not been given the right coping skills/help then often end up on disability and live in ‘victim’ mode and things along those lines. She said I was an exception only because I was born so early which then led into another conversation about how my mother still thinks me thinking I was sexually abused was only because I was born early and didn’t really happen and that many preemies have symptoms similar to those who were abused just because of their early life experiences of being poked and prodded many times daily for months and not being able to get away, living in pain, etc.

My sister agreed with her, and they both talked about how shy I was as a young child (I still am kind of) and how people would get in my space and how it would bother me. Yes, I know that happened and how it affected me, but it still is different from the events of abuse. And not every man (or woman) who invaded my space became someone I thought abused me, so that’s kind of how I feel their theory with that isn’t exactly true.

I know I don’t have to prove to them I was abused, I have partial memories of it, and things don’t add up between those and my responses, and it’s not there just because someone invaded my personal space a few times. But it still is difficult to trust myself when people come at me with their theories and opinions.

I also know memories can be distorted or that you can have two pieces of unrelated memories merge together. But I also know how dissociation works and tried again to explain it to them. And the things I do remember that some of them were there for also was actually accurate, so it proved my point that I can remember accurately during some really bad traumas. They also told me of parts of events I had no memory of. The other thing is that there were other things that weren’t as bad and didn’t bother me as much when I’d think if my mind had the potential to take ‘everything’ as a potential threat that it would have affected me more.

I also have extreme reactions to things, triggers, etc. at times which just doesn’t add up to ‘normal’ things having caused them due to my brain misinterpreting or confusing things. It still also doesn’t explain why as a child when I’d go to a friend’s house and not know their father/mother’s boyfriend, etc. that I’d fear them hurting me in a specific way or one time going with a friend with her stepdad to his friend’s and needing to get away because I feared they were going to hurt us. I don’t think thoughts like that are ‘normal’ or come from no legit reality based place.

Just so many things don’t add up. I trust myself, but at the same time it’s hard to. I know too that the feelings are real even if the memories are not all there. It’s hard explaining to people how you know things without the proof. And I also want to prove to myself, I guess, that it is all real. Things did happen. It wouldn’t just exist for no reason or no good reason.

So much confusion. Last night after that conversation and after they left, I fell back into that dissociative terror type place. It has come up a few times since Friday, and it gets incredibly scary because everything inside shuts down and shuts out everything externally but also brings harm/suicide feelings/thoughts because the only way part of me feels ‘safe’ is to get away because everything/everyone has a level of toxicity or danger during that time.

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