we had therapy today. it is hard to be in the waiting area with other people. today was a lot. someone came in upset. they were talking to another person who they know who was also there for therapy (different therapist than mine). it was upsetting and a bit triggering for me to hear this person upset. some things they said were things people said to me before, things people had said to her that upset her. i do not do well when others are upset. it’s uncomfortable and sometimes scary, but not the same type of scary as when people are angry. that is way scarier.

i was able to talk about the memory i had come up that changed since the first time it came back. i was told memory isn’t 100% reliable, but that the feelings were and to trust those feelings. so to me, in all likelihood, that memory was real and how it really was and not the first version.

it is hard to talk about the others and have the therapist talk about them (in general) and how dissociation works, etc. it tends to make me feel more out of it and dissociative, though just going to therapy does that most the time no matter what is talked about.

i was trying to talk about the part that feels like they are going to go hell, but i didn’t give the therapist the reason why. she also didn’t ask why they felt that way, so i didn’t volunteer that information.

we talked about a few other things, but i don’t recall all of it at the moment, just vague things.

i came home and immediately felt this heaviness in my head and sadness inside. i don’t know why. going to therapy is sometimes nice. other times, it’s not. i don’t always leave feeling better, though sometimes i do. i am just exhausted.

while talking about some things, i could feel it coming up a bit in images. i don’t usually have that with most things i talk about. it was kind of a bit disorienting and hard to describe as i was trying to explain.

now i am going to try to unwind. it has been an exhausting day.

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