had to be honest in therapy about something we’ve been struggling with. there have been a few things linked yet somehow not at the same time. none of it makes much sense. it was horrible having to say all that had to be said. it made me panic and dissociate. my head screaming to stop and that it was dangerous and bad. and then i lost the ability to speak or to lift my head up for quite a while. we talked about why certain things are how they are and that it isn’t my fault for why it exists but ways to try to manage it.

i’ve had this horrible anxiety ball in my stomach with random twitches associated to it and this heavy feeling in my head related to a part that doesn’t really feel safe. they are shut off/down though, so i cannot figure them out like i can other parts. i cannot tell if they are harmful or a protector or both. but it does not feel good.

feelings and thoughts of being worthless have come up. we are horrible and cannot do anything right or good. we mess things up. we are told we are human and some things are human nature, but we just cannot accept it about certain things. it doesn’t seem right. it feels icky, yet it’s not in my control and i think somehow it should be.

the dissociation has been increasing too. i don’t know where July went. everything feels like a mess that will never end. i hope it does end though because if this stuff keeps going on, i cannot handle it. it is wanting me to isolate, distance myself. i am not worthy and do not deserve to be around people. i will taint them or harm them if i am in one way or another. i am not safe. i don’t understand these things. i guess it comes with the part mentioned above. i am not sure though. the more i try to make sense of things, the less i am able to. and talking/writing only does so much. it just is never ending.

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