as usual, now that i had therapy yesterday and don’t for two weeks, things have come up where it would be helpful to have therapy.

it was uneventful the last week, and therapy yesterday was pretty much the same, uneventful for the most part. it was nice to have had a week of doing nothing, not even work, but at the same time, i struggled with stay busy and tried to avoid too much down time because it was not helping overall. i had to keep changing tasks to stay busy since my focus was bad, and i got bored really easy. but when it was too quiet and i had nothing to do, i could feel things inside behind the walls but wasn’t sure what it was.

last night, i had to phone the police because i heard a girl hysterically screaming and crying. there was a guy who was yelling at her, and the whole thing was very confusing and triggering. i wasn’t sure what was happening or if it would escalate, so i phoned them. they phoned me later to get my side of it and let me know later that they found her. i don’t know what the actual situation was, but it caused me to dissociate for hours. i was able to calm down anxiety and fear wise an hour or two after, but the dissociation lasted until i was able to fall asleep.

my sleep was restless. i woke up too early again. the dream i had was weird..the usual weird, i guess.

the day was okay until i had a random memory come back. i had it come back to me years prior, but the version of it differs from what came back today enough to make it be something that i didn’t think it was. it was very triggering and again caused me to dissociate. it was a few hours ago, and i am still feeling out of it. i don’t know what to do with it or what version to believe. it is so confusing, and now i don’t have therapy next week to talk about it.

i lack people to talk to about it who will actually hear/listen and who might even have insight into it. i don’t know how a memory can change…which one is the real one? it doesn’t do any good anyway no matter which version was right. but it still is scary and difficult to even try to process.

i feel so alone.

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