for whatever reason, things didn’t stay okay. i’m not sure what happened, but yesterday i was all of a sudden severely depressed. or part of me was. it was like this weight on my brain again that took over everything.  i tried to see around it, over it, through it, but i couldn’t. it was suffocating and full of self hate which also led to a bad body image day. it was difficult. i felt urges to cry. there were self destructive thoughts. that part wanted to die. i didn’t want to. i wanted the feelings to stop but couldn’t make them. i tried to acknowledge it and just let it be, but it was really hard. i felt trapped in it. i tried to listen to it. it just kept whispering thoughts at me and getting in too deep. it did not feel safe. i did not feel safe. but yet again, i was alone with it. alone as i always am.

as much as i would have wanted someone to be there/with me, i don’t know if it would have helped. that is the more difficult part to this all. there are so many contradictions to things. i never know what is right or what isn’t. it’s hard to trust my own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions even when they don’t feel right.

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