i feel too alone with all of this. crushing depression. it’s not what i’m used to. the more the dissociation happens and the more the others are active, the more likely it is for depression to happen because it all takes so much energy to try to keep getting through each day and trying to keep the small routine i have (which has changed work wise the last few weeks and not helped at all).

there have been self harm urges and darkness, fear. i can’t go out of the house anymore without being on edge and anxious. i jump, my arms twitch, when a loud noise is unexpected. then the anxiety gets worse. i fear people are watching me even if it’s how people do in general, people watch. i don’t know why it bothers, but it does.

nothing feels right or okay, and no one can fix it. i wish someone could make it all go away. the past is always there even when it’s not.