therapy today was just very strange. i was triggered last night which just caused more triggering. it took hours for the dissociation to lessen. thunder and lightning added to it a bit.

i had to go out today for therapy during more rain and thunder and lightning which thankfully didn’t hit until after therapy. but i was so dissociated during the session. i was able to mention the bad dream i had and how i know it was more a flashback/body memory but wasn’t able to talk about the content. i wanted to but a combo of the dissociation and the therapist moving the conversation along didn’t really allow me to.

i don’t recall a lot of the session, but it was shorter than usual, maybe just 20 minutes. she was talking about me being real and didn’t used to think i was real. i have no idea if she meant in a dissociation term and that i was so dissociated and switching that this ‘me’ was not ‘real’ or if she meant more like she didn’t believe things i said to her….though i will assume the dissociation term instead.

i tried to tell her i didn’t understand what she was saying. the dissociation at one point got so bad that i really couldn’t understand the words she was saying. i guess it didn’t make sense saying that since i was still staying on topic and answering her…but it really was like she was speaking another language. it was confusing.

it is hard having sessions like that because everything in my head feels weird which then extends to the limited external reality i can keep in touch with making everything else seem weird which is also why i have no idea what she meant.

i am still very dissociated. it has been a rough day.