I had an okay week or so. I started to feel more present and was getting used to being here more. Not that I left…or at least I don’t know where I was 100%. But the other day, I said to the others inside that I was ready for more information and we could try going slow in bits and pieces to make sure it is safe.
I feel like I jinxed myself because I had a horrible dream this morning. The surrounding events were not things that happened in real life, but what did happen in it was a real event of being hurt as a young child.
In the dream, there was a man (not anyone I have known in real life) and my mom and stepdad (he wasn’t around until I was 11) and this random girl who was with the man. I won’t go into details, but he ended up hurting me. My mom and stepdad were trying to help me as they saw him take me, and they were walking towards us. I remember him hurting me and the feelings of terror, confusion, shame, humiliation, embarrassment and not wanting anyone to see me and what was happening. I ended up switching into a little girl, my body anyway, and then being inside my head where everything was dark, and all I could feel were his hands on me. Then I was back in front and seeing things in front of me and feeling all these feelings.
That was the part that happened in real life, the being hurt and all those feelings and feeling his hands on me. Feeling like he had taken a part of me in that moment, like I was nothing, and doing it in places he could have easily been caught but never was, like he knew he was getting away with it. And he did. To this day, they don’t believe me.