things are still really confusing. i thought that i was writing things somewhere, either here or the paper journal, but i wasn’t. i’m not really sure where all that was happening or what it was all about thought wise.

several triggering things happened over the last few weeks with family or just in general where some of the others were triggered. the panic attacks have come back, though i’m not sure if they ever really left either. it is all just a blur.

i know more of the others have been around but still cannot recall that much about the rest of them except the one that took over 95% where i was trapped inside. i just remember it was very dark and that they felt the only way to be safe was to die (them, not me). it was really scary because their level of terror was so intense. i don’t know how long it was for, hours, days, etc.

it has been tiring because of them all coming and going and me trying to still function in the external world. things are just really blurry, but thankfully work still is getting done.

i had some more details of past stuff from my sisters, but nothing really significant or that helpful. i don’t think any of them recall much that i need to know, so there is likely nothing else to talk to them about in that regard. as for my mother, she still denies things could have happened except what was corroborated by my sisters and what she was present for, so i doubt i’ll get any additional information since i get the same answers almost every time.

i did find out which bedroom one person who lived with us stayed in as i was unsure of where everyone slept then. we had six bedrooms and seven people living in the house for a while when i was five. but it still doesn’t really help with another aspect of my memories so still has me confused with that part.

i am hoping that things are starting to level out. it takes some getting used to fully being back/being myself and not having the others be so active for a while. every time i think they are gone (they can be for weeks), they do come back again in intense ways (or subtle ways i don’t always realize).

the internal and external realities have mixed a lot the last while too.