I have tried talking to my mom about things from my past (early/mid childhood) to try to make sense of things. Sometimes, she would answer me, other times she would deny and outright yelled at me once. But I keep trying every time I say it’s the last time in hopes that new things will be shared with me. This time, one of my older sisters was around for the conversation.

It was started after talking about freedom of speech and a bunch of other things and how my sister said that her personality type is the type to deal with her things through talking, getting mad, processing it, then moving on and that some people who have been traumatized have often not been given the right coping skills/help then often end up on disability and live in ‘victim’ mode and things along those lines. She said I was an exception only because I was born so early which then led into another conversation about how my mother still thinks me thinking I was sexually abused was only because I was born early and didn’t really happen and that many preemies have symptoms similar to those who were abused just because of their early life experiences of being poked and prodded many times daily for months and not being able to get away, living in pain, etc.

My sister agreed with her, and they both talked about how shy I was as a young child (I still am kind of) and how people would get in my space and how it would bother me. Yes, I know that happened and how it affected me, but it still is different from the events of abuse. And not every man (or woman) who invaded my space became someone I thought abused me, so that’s kind of how I feel their theory with that isn’t exactly true.

I know I don’t have to prove to them I was abused, I have partial memories of it, and things don’t add up between those and my responses, and it’s not there just because someone invaded my personal space a few times. But it still is difficult to trust myself when people come at me with their theories and opinions.

I also know memories can be distorted or that you can have two pieces of unrelated memories merge together. But I also know how dissociation works and tried again to explain it to them. And the things I do remember that some of them were there for also was actually accurate, so it proved my point that I can remember accurately during some really bad traumas. They also told me of parts of events I had no memory of. The other thing is that there were other things that weren’t as bad and didn’t bother me as much when I’d think if my mind had the potential to take ‘everything’ as a potential threat that it would have affected me more.

I also have extreme reactions to things, triggers, etc. at times which just doesn’t add up to ‘normal’ things having caused them due to my brain misinterpreting or confusing things. It still also doesn’t explain why as a child when I’d go to a friend’s house and not know their father/mother’s boyfriend, etc. that I’d fear them hurting me in a specific way or one time going with a friend with her stepdad to his friend’s and needing to get away because I feared they were going to hurt us. I don’t think thoughts like that are ‘normal’ or come from no legit reality based place.

Just so many things don’t add up. I trust myself, but at the same time it’s hard to. I know too that the feelings are real even if the memories are not all there. It’s hard explaining to people how you know things without the proof. And I also want to prove to myself, I guess, that it is all real. Things did happen. It wouldn’t just exist for no reason or no good reason.

So much confusion. Last night after that conversation and after they left, I fell back into that dissociative terror type place. It has come up a few times since Friday, and it gets incredibly scary because everything inside shuts down and shuts out everything externally but also brings harm/suicide feelings/thoughts because the only way part of me feels ‘safe’ is to get away because everything/everyone has a level of toxicity or danger during that time.