the last few days are so strange. i am trying to piece together how the system works. it seems at times (random times) that there are some clusters of alters/parts that trigger each other/work together or come around in quick succession. i don’t know how it all works because i don’t know if it’s the same each time.
today, i got woken up by a pre-verbal infant alter. in the past, many years ago, i thought there was a 1 1/2 or 1-year-old one, but i wasn’t sure. i had not encountered them before. this morning though, in the in between awake/asleep state, i heard her laughing, giggling, and making other noises a pre-verbal child would make. i got the sense that she wanted me to wake up as she kept making noises until i did. then when i was awake, she went away…like how all the others do when they do that kind of thing. i vaguely recall waking up an hour or two before i had to and talking to some of them. i don’t know what they were saying, but i remember saying we could sleep still for a bit.
i worked and managed to focus enough on it, but once that stopped, the dissociation hit again. it was kind of just like a blanket put over me, nothing scary or harsh like the last few days, though that was related to other alters who are scared and hurting.
i decided i needed to go to the store so went to plan what to wear. we wanted to wear something with flowers, something spring like. and then another part wanted to wear boots and look ‘sexy.’ that is fine and all, but i didn’t feel comfortable with it. i am the one who the world knows and sees, not that part, and just going to the store i don’t think really warrants trying to look sexy…and the issue with looking sexy is it is dangerous and bad and just creates problems for us with men and is unsafe. though i do feel bad that part wasn’t able to express herself…on the other hand, i have allowed us/her to start wearing lipstick and am trying to get used to it. i feel like it’s one step in letting that part have that at least, and it’s non threatening for us too.
still unsure why all of a sudden they are all surfacing and what has happened…the time of year? it is easter soon. i don’t know about traumas around easter though…but spring in general, yes, and times where the weather was similar. it’s like a re-awakening/awakening again. i don’t know if it will continue or level off again…as difficult as it can be, i am glad that things have made progress because feeling like we are at a standstill makes it hard to know we are moving forward in any way, and the frustration some of us feel from that causes other things to be triggered.