Am feeling sad. Things have felt off the last few days. There is a bit more dissociation in a different way than usual. Whatever that even means.
Therapy today was difficult. I was able to talk and then it just stopped. It made me uncomfortable. I hate silence. The silence gives me anxiety, more when there is another person in the room. I hate it.
I was able to talk about some things that came up before and after my trip. I was able to talk about the younger part the other night and how I was able to write for her on a forum. It was strange talking about that and her. I got really warm and was really uncomfortable. The therapist asked if I knew which part it was. I said who I thought it was.
Then we talked about how sometimes I feel like I’m making it up. The therapist said I am not the type to and that it wouldn’t benefit me at all. My mom and dad both accused me of making things up and thinking I had things because I ‘read too much online’ or ‘watched too many talk shows.’ I only wish that I DID make things up because then it would be a lot easier and not cause so much distress.
It feels like something is building up inside, and it isn’t good. I have to be with family tomorrow and then the week after next see more family. I am hoping that things will calm down inside enough to do that. I am not used to this even though I’ve lived it my whole life.
I am trying to remind myself what my therapist told me today, that things will not stay the same inside and that things will change. She told me I did a good job today with sitting with the uncomfortable feelings. It was strange how hearing that was calming to some of the others and kind of made me sad in a way. She also said that my mom cannot/will not help me in the way that she doesn’t allow me to be my real self/selves and never will, never has. It is sad though also to know that and want it to be different…knowing that I am alone in this except the therapist and the few people I am able to be real with, though even most of them don’t understand the depth of things (which I don’t expect), but it makes it difficult on a whole other level too which causes me to feel I am annoying people or have to hide at certain times in order to not make them uncomfortable because I might sound too crazy.