Therapy was okayish. I didn’t have much to say until I got there. There were two ladies (well, three, but one was quiet) who I’ve seen a few times. One in particular talks a lot and about things that can trigger me. Once, she was talking about her daughter’s almost sexual assault in detail. It was very triggering, so I told my therapist who told the receptionist not to engage in/allow those types of conversations. This time, the same lady was talking about the bible/god and how being gay is wrong and abortions are wrong but how she wouldn’t judge a person or treat them differently for them. It was triggering me, but I am not able to ask people to stop for fear of getting attacked (verbally) and then being triggered as a result or being told I’m wrong for asking people to stop talking. I just will leave the room a few times. I told my therapist about this, so we talked about it for a few minutes. She asked what I thought about it all and why when people have views that differ that I get upset.

I explained that I think everyone has a right to do whatever abortion wise (though some situations I don’t agree with it) and that being gay isn’t a choice (which the person talking said it was). But my issue more was why were those topics brought up in the waiting room of a psychiatry office, and why even at all. It also reminded me of two family members who have those kinds of views and become aggressive and downright mean and unable to have an actual conversation without raising their voice because they think they are ‘right.’ So, I am all for people having their own views, I just don’t think that saying them in specific situations is appropriate, and sometimes keeping them to themselves in general is the best option.

After that, I talked a bit about the dissociative identity stuff and said that I had gotten upset when I came across a site from a few years ago because of a doctor talking about DID but failing to mention it was on a spectrum. It caused a huge meltdown with us because of that and had said DID is over diagnosed and rare. Because of that, there was a huge internal disrupt and fear and dissociation triggered that the therapist didn’t ‘really’ believe us. She explained it is on a spectrum and that most fit the other specified dissociative disorder aspect (including me) when alters don’t take full control/there isn’t amnesia or black outs related to it. But that doesn’t really MATTER anyway because the treatment is the same, and the others DO exist and mine ARE distinct, etc. It gets so confusing and just causes a lot of disruption and upset when I come across things like that. It wasn’t my intent to, but it still does sometimes cause me to doubt things.

It was really nice to have that clarified, I guess. In the end, a label doesn’t matter. The experiences are what they are for me. I am always being told by the therapist to accept all parts o f me. I thought I was getting better with that but still find parts I try to ignore or don’t ‘like.’ I struggle with parts that when triggered come out and fight and protect. I try hard to stop it from happening but can’t and then get upset that it happens because it doesn’t usually help a situation. Then I get upset and other parts get upset that they are fighting and/or protecting and don’t want them to be doing that because it is just a bunch of negative/bad/uncomfortable feelings swirling around. It is confusing as hell being stuck in that kind of whirlwind, being detached and seeing what is in front of you and not being able to stop it despite actually wanting to. I can see how people think I am a hypocrite or contradictory when things like that happen because I FEEL it at that time. I cannot exactly explain that to them though. They would just look at me like I’m nuts or think I’m making excuses for not controlling myself.

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