Things have been okay still, though it’s more like a huge wall has gone up to shut things out. I’m not complaining about it except that it’s part of the pattern of how things are. Things are okay for a while, a few days or even a week or two, and then it starts to crumble again.

My cat was sick this morning a few times starting around 4:00 a.m. then again later in the day. She has this horrible meow and gets really scared when she gets sick. I sometimes manage to get to her and am able to pet her and comfort her, but it’s really unnerving and upsetting (and gross having to clean it all up). And also the fear that someone will hear her and tell strata on me, but I don’t think they’d be that mean, at least I hope not. It has been over a year now since I’ve lived here, so I hope that the people I’ve met on this floor would just ignore it if they knew since I am quiet and don’t cause issues.

My sleep was really disrupted again, and I was exhausted when I had to get up. I managed to get through work though. My friend stopped by for a bit. It was nice to see her. She is staying at my place when I go on my trip, though I still worry when I leave that something bad will happen. I have always had that for as long as I can remember.

I started to feel a part that was sad and scared, a feeling of terror. It started last night before going to sleep. It is really difficult to have that come into my awareness because I cannot do anything about it. I try to say that I/we are safe and all that, but it doesn’t really make anything better.

I am trying to focus on the upcoming trip but know I can’t push things away either as they come up. I fully expect a crash when I come back from the trip as it usually happens, and it takes time to process things for a week or so after. Thankfully, I have therapy a few days after I get back.

Advertisements