Finally, I am feeling level again and more myself. Sleeping and eating for a while were off, but the dissociation and random related things played a part in it all as well. There is always the potential for a trigger to set things off at any given time though.

A day or so ago, I was trying to find other mental health forums. I came across one from 2012 or so that was started, I think, by a psychiatrist. I went to the dissociative disorder section where he had several threads on DID, articles others wrote, and his own opinion on it all. I made the mistake of reading a few things where he stated DID is very rare, over diagnosed, and that most who have the diagnosis do not have it and have a lesser dissociative disorder. It made my head panic and automatically think that it’s not what I have and that any other psychiatrist would diagnose me as schizoaffective or something and try to medicate me (when antipsychotics never in the past had any effect on the dissociation or the others, meaning it’s not that). So, while I know that it is DID or at least just under (because the others don’t take over 100%, though they can affect me in many ways and some have spoken before without me blacking out, etc.), the fear of not being believed is still there.

Even though my psychiatrist/therapist believes me, I still am worried that she doesn’t sometimes except that she treats me (and them) with respect and acknowledges them, so I don’t think it’s a valid fear with her. Others though, possibly, especially since so many don’t believe in DID or understand the spectrum of it. In 10 or so years, I will have to face finding a new therapist once mine retires. I am not looking forward to it at all which brings up that fear again.

In all reality though, it doesn’t matter WHAT a professional believes. I am the one who lives with it all, and I know myself (kind of) better than any professional. They diagnose by a book and by what they know which is often not accurate because they don’t see the bigger picture and take smaller things into account which make up the big picture. That was why I was mis and under diagnosed for several years. They only saw certain things and didn’t ask (nor did I offer or at times think to say it) important questions. As much as I realize it isn’t helpful for professionals to push a person on trauma events, sometimes it is relevant to their current struggles and needs to be addressed even if it’s just yes and no questions so it’s made aware of, at least that would have maybe helped me from the beginning.

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