I had therapy late yesterday afternoon. I didn’t feel that dissociated when I got there, but then the waiting room filled up. There were three men of various ages and a lady in her 50s or 60s. One of the men kept talking and seemed to either have a hard time being quiet or needed attention. Another man asked him to please stop talking to him because he was not feeling well. I got a bit on edge after that because I thought something bad would happen between them. The lady ended up leaving before that for a bit, so I was stuck in there with three men (and the female receptionist). It made my anxiety increase, and the combination of that and the man talking caused me to dissociate. I was trying to ground myself by rubbing the velvet pattern on my notebook that I bring in to sessions.
I felt really disconnected from reality and inside a bit more. It was hard to make eye contact with the therapist, so I kept having to just keep my head down and look at the carpet. I managed to talk about a dream I had and one of the younger parts/flashback related to them. It was difficult to talk about that even though there was no detail to what I said. I found it hard to swallow as I was trying to speak and thankful when the topic moved on.
I sometimes try to say things really fast so it doesn’t have time to make me feel, I guess, and then just want the topic to move on. We also talked about the upcoming trip for me and other things.
I mentioned the part recently that felt things were not moving forward and how they wanted to give up because they feel nothing will get better. We want things to keep going forward, and with how things have gone, it just feels like we are going backwards in some ways again.
The therapist reminded me to stop putting so much pressure on myself and to try to focus more on the here and now, each moment in each day, etc. and not go too far ahead of things or put the pressure on myself that I need to be somewhere different, be doing something different, etc.
It is so difficult. I try hard to have patience and go with things, but having other parts with their own things too makes it difficult to do that. I am not sure how to always have patience with certain things. Just have to keep trying to take things as they come and take it one day at a time.