things still feel off inside. i hoped sleep would go okay last night, but it didn’t go as well as i hoped. i managed to not take any seroquel and just diffused lavender, but i had a hard time getting to sleep. i woke up a few times this morning again too because of the cat. it was hard to get back to sleep, so i was up at the usual time.

i left the house for the first time in almost a week. i didn’t really want to go but needed to get some things. i started to feel on edge and anxious within the first five minutes. i didn’t feel comfortable with people looking at me. to make it worse, the cashier at the last place i went didn’t say one word to me and barely made eye contact because she was busy talking to another cashier behind me. it made me feel worse because it helps me to calm down a bit if someone is nice to me.

i cannot really describe what is going on inside. there are just a bunch of different things, thoughts, feelings, that keep changing. some don’t quite make sense to me, but they do at the same time i guess. there are different parts feeling different things. one randomly mentions self harm and says we should just stop therapy because it’s useless, and the therapist isn’t doing it ‘right.’ i don’t know what they think it should be like though. there are times though a bit more access would be nice, but i know she is busy, so that is not really an option even though she says we can phone any time. it’s also hard to reach out for help and would be easier to have her check in. but that isn’t how she does it. it is a bit confusing to say the least. emailing in the past didn’t work due to lack of things said in response from her and long times between getting a response. it felt dismissive, so it wasn’t done again, though we did talk about it with her, and she understood. it just isn’t an option due to that.

but why do we need to see her more? i don’t know. or do i? there is so much that comes up between appointments, but i cannot write it all down. it gets taken from my memory. i could repeat myself and probably wouldn’t even know it. i probably DO repeat myself a lot.