You can never escape things. They come up at random times in small ways or big ones.

Sometimes, when I am tired, something happens. It is like part of me goes back to a trauma I have no memory of. It is from the perspective of a very young child. I feel her terror, and I know that something bad is happening to her. When this particular thing happens, the only thing I can do is try to let her know that we are safe and it is not happening now. I am not sure she can hear me though. It is like being in two places at once but feeling her feelings, not my own, because I don’t know the extent of the trauma. I just know she is trapped and afraid and cannot move.

Sometimes, I also hear another part say, “Please help us,” but I cannot reach them. They are so far away inside. It makes me feel helpless and sad because I cannot do anything. I cannot break down the walls that were built over the years. I do not know how to help any of them because all I can do is say we are safe, but I am here, and a lot of them are still stuck in the traumas they went through.

Because of the walls and limited communication, all of this is so slow. I don’t know how to ‘do’ anything except when I have been doing and trying to sort out what I can when each part is able to share something or when I can feel/hear something. It also affects me in general even when nothing intense is happening inside. I have a hard time focusing 100% on what is going on around me when I am trying to do everyday things, focus on a conversation, focus on just being in the present, etc. There is always something that pulls me inside even for a few seconds to cause me to lose focus, so I can never really just be ‘here’ for long periods of time.

I feel alone and lost. There really aren’t a lot of people to talk to about all of this. It doesn’t help anything.

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