I feel like a shift has happened in my head again. I feel a lot more clarity, less anxiety, and less confusion. It is like things were pushed away after a week or two of struggling with confusion, endless circles of thinking about/trying to sort through why the intrusive thoughts/urges were there, and compulsive behaviors because of it. It was exhausting and not at all something I enjoyed going through. I feel like maybe something finally became resolved after reading a lot of things trying to figure out what is okay/normal and what means a potential issue that needed to be addressed in therapy. I feel calmer and hope that the shift means things will be okay. I need it to be. The previous entry was related to some of it and triggered the OCD stuff. I questioned a lot of things and was just really a mess.
I will address it in therapy as much as I don’t want to, but I know it’s necessary. It’s a safe place with a professional who does not judge me but who will be straight with me. I know that in order for things to improve, she has to know what is going on.
The worst part about things like this is that I know I am not a bad person but because of what happens in my head, I end up feeling like I am even when none of it is in my control and really is not who/how I am. The things that happen are a direct result of all the different traumas I have been through and anxiety/OCD stuff that got all mixed up together. Because the traumas were all so early in life, they ended up confusing a lot of things. And having alters each with their own issues does not help any of it. Not only do I have my own confused feelings and thoughts, but there are also theirs. They don’t usually mix well together. It is hard to sort through it all, especially when they are active and I cannot get out of the muddled mess inside enough to see things more clearly in those times. It can last hours, days, or weeks.
It is nice to have some more clarity at the moment. Sometimes, it feels like I’ll never get that back again.