The last few days have been horrendous. I have a part/alter who appeared I think a few months ago. They only surfaced in one particular place/situation. They blindsided me when they first appeared, but at least I was able to hear them then and separate myself from them at that time. It terrified me. I told my psychiatrist about them even though it was incredibly difficult to do. The few days following their first appearance, it was a mess with several parts being triggered, like dominoes. Once that lessened, I was able to try to kind of breathe and tried to talk to that part and explain things to them, why it wasn’t okay for them to be there/think what they were thinking, etc.
It kept me on edge and afraid even though they were not around when we were out of that particular place/situation. I thought things were okay after I had asked them at another time to stay in the back/away when I was back where they first appeared. It was difficult then because even though they did respect me, I was very disconnected from my surroundings, detached, because I couldn’t feel the same peace and comfort I was able to before this part emerged.
The day before yesterday, they were not around when I was back at that place again, but after seeing the psychiatrist and talking about a dream I woke up in that was related to this part acting on what it wanted to, forcing me to participate (though I was able after a while to distance myself from it), the part came back once I was back in that place again. The psychiatrist said that it was me learning how to take control of that part, but I am unsure now if that was what it was about or if it was the opposite, it learning how to take more control over me.
When they came back again, it was really disorienting and difficult. My head was fuzzy. Things did not seem real. I was trying so hard to keep control and not let their feelings, wants, and thoughts over power me. But some moments, I couldn’t tell where theirs ended and mine began, and some moments I wasn’t sure what was happening 100% because it was just so intense. I tried to remind myself what was real around me, what was happening in my head, and trying to keep that control. During one moment, it was a back and forth type conversation in my head. One part said, “Do it,” another said, “Don’t do it or I”ll f*cking kill you!” It was horrible.
After I was back home, again started the domino effect of other parts. One was angry and hated me. I don’t know why. Another again felt like punishment/self harm was necessary for the thoughts that first alter had. I guess it flooded the system again. I don’t know how the others all had access to it. I don’t know that much about them all with that regard. I just know several of them were stirring, none happy. Another was upset and telling me I/we should stop talking to people (online) because people either weren’t responding or changed the topic when I was trying to talk. They felt like no one cared so shouldn’t be told things. That again is another issue because I have to talk. If I don’t, it just gets dangerous for me with things that swirl around at times. And silence is what caused all of the trauma issues. Silence is not healthy.
That whole night (or was it days) was just was a whirlwind in my head and terrifying. It felt like things were closing in on me, and I was suffocating with darkness and fear. When I felt that fear and darkness days prior, I thought it was processing memories I didn’t actually have awareness of or maybe triggers from the week or so prior. But when this stuff happened, I realize it was more of a warning. I am not sure ‘how’ it could have been a warning though because I didn’t know the situations I would face, so I didn’t know that alter would even surface again until it did. Or maybe it was just a matter of ‘what’ would come up, and the warning was just a warning that things were unsteady inside and was just a matter of time when something would happen again.
I have to keep reminding myself even though that alter is a part of me, it’s not me. It is not who I am. It is not my thoughts. Thoughts are just thoughts. They do not have to be (and will not if I can help it) be acted on.
Then I think am I just making this all up. Is it just an excuse to act out or act crazy. But no. I know it’s not. Why would I do that and torment myself like that. It makes no sense. It is just so terrifying when this type of thing comes up. It’s not at all like the younger parts who don’t appear to have had trauma, some anyway. They are so carefree and innocent and fun.
Most of the other parts are hurting, scared, sad, wanting/needing control, wanting/needing comfort, and other things I don’t know yet. There are so many that I cannot even really keep track. I get weird glimpses of images and feelings from the past still. They are so familiar yet fade within seconds. It is strange. So many missing and disconnected pieces….I used to think I was whole again and things were okay, but that changed a year ago again. I don’t want to hurt anymore, but it’s not just me hurting, it’s so many of the others too.