There is this pressure in my head. With it, there is this depression, darkness, fear/terror, and anxiety. I feel trapped in it/behind it at times. It makes it hard to understand that anything exists outside of it, reality, what I see in front of me, etc. There is a degree of dissociation that comes with it. Yesterday, it kind of came and went. I wasn’t sure what it was from. I can only guess it’s maybe related to a dream I had, one that was about my first stepdad though didn’t have a lot of details. We were trying to hide from him and were dissociated. There were a lot of people thankfully, so we were able to feel kind of safe because of them. It was just strange because there have been zero thoughts (that I know of anyway) about him, so to dream about him was very confusing and scary. I will guess that caused triggers inside and set this off.
I got through yesterday, but it was very difficult. I had another dream a group of girls was trying to kill me. Then at some point, I was in this in between state, not awake, not asleep and it was all dark. All of a sudden, I heard really loud footsteps and what sounded like a plastic bag being crumpled up. I couldn’t move. it was really scary and strange.
I went out of the house for the first time in a week, I think. It was difficult. Anxiety was high, and trying to make eye contact and talk to people was difficult. Nowhere and nothing feels safe again. It all just feels dark and scary including in my own head which I cannot escape from.