So, I met this guy Saturday afternoon. I had seen him around a few times and started talking to him after almost accidentally hitting his tiny dog with a door as I was walking out of a store. He just happens to be in a wheelchair (totally fine with me). I had mentioned to him during the short conversation we had that I had anxiety and PTSD and that my first stepdad and real dad had anger issues (my real dad has gotten better with that though, thankfully). He shared some personal things about himself and seemed like a down to earth person. He was really nice, so when he gave me his number to text him, I thought I would give it a chance.
I have intense trust issues and fears regarding men due to all of the trauma/abuse I experienced starting at a young age by a lot of males who I was close to or encountered including emotional/psychological among others. My instincts even as a child were always right, but I was constantly told they weren’t and not to listen to them. But that was also when I was pushed into situations that facilitated abuse because I was a child and had no control/say over things a lot of times.
I have tried to not listen to my instincts a few times, but they scream at me anyway. They have rarely proved me wrong, and this situation was no different. After talking with this guy the previous day, I started feeling very on edge, paranoid, and actually terrified. I felt like I had said too much, and it made me feel vulnerable, like an easy target or prey. It’s the default feelings that come up when I meet a guy. It caused severe anxiety and a level of dissociation. Because he is in a wheelchair and can’t walk (or he says because who really knows anymore with people), I wasn’t so worried about him physically hurting me, but there is still the words/actions, etc. that can be huge triggers for me and red flags in general (again, instincts).
From the first time he said I was beautiful in a text, I felt uncomfortable. He apologized even without me saying I was uncomfortable, and I thought since he was aware that it might cause me to feel that way that he would stop or think before he said something again. Nope. He made repeated references to how beautiful/gorgeous I was. I tried to let it go and then out of nowhere, he texted me saying he would like me to go over to his place for dinner last night. I respectfully declined and said I had company coming (true) and that I was busy getting ready for them. He did not respond back to me. Not one word the whole night
This afternoon, I decided to text him and see how his day was going. He said it was better now that he heard from me. I said, “That’s good.” Then he responded with, “I really want to kiss you!! Can I kiss you??” That was it. Immediately, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I couldn’t believe someone I had just met and didn’t even know would say something like that to me. It was creepy and not at all okay with me. I am not sure what girl would be okay with that, but I am not one who is. Not at all. Thankfully, my friend was here with me, so she was talking with me about it. I finally responded back about how I thought we were going to be friends which didn’t include that. He apologized for offending me and said a few other okay things, but no, sorry. You don’t get to say things and then apologize and then say it AGAIN. He didn’t offend me; he scared the hell out of me.
My shock and fear slowly turned into anger because I really tried so hard to push bad/negative thoughts out of my head with this guy. I wanted him to prove me wrong and that I could actually trust a guy who wasn’t going to come on to me or be a creep. I do not want a relationship. I do not want sex. I do not want a guy putting that pressure on me, especially when I do not know him. It is NOT okay.
I am glad that it happened over text because if it was in person, I don’t know how I would have dealt with it besides feeling the need to run which would have caused a whole other level of fear (more like panic). And now when I walk by his building, I am going to be freaked out that he will see me because I think his apartment faces the sidewalk that I walk on.
EVERY time my instincts are right with situations like this, it reinforces my fears. I am grateful for my instincts, but it really upsets me when they they are right and I think maybe this time it will be ok because it’s not. It NEVER is.