It is disheartening how one negative moment can cause so much fear. I had a relatively okay day today until I decided to take the bus somewhere. It never is scary, though if it gets too full, it can cause me to feel trapped/anxious. This guy who you could tell was not really a decent guy got on the bus carrying this glass jar or cup of water. I thought at that moment that it was a stupid idea because buses do stop abruptly. A few minutes after he got on the bus, he walked to the front and wasn’t holding on. The thing he was holding fell and smashed. He started yelling at the bus driver and went back to the back of the bus where another passenger started yelling at him to calm down. I don’t know who said it, but one of them said they were going to murder the other one. It was terrifying. It just took those few seconds to cause me to become anxious and dissociate. I was glad to have gotten off the bus at the stop right after that. It was a horrible moment of the day.
I managed yesterday not to get triggered when this panhandler who I thought was crossing the street didn’t and shoved his cup of change IN my face as I walked by him. I have NEVER had a person do that before, and it is exactly the reason why people who panhandle make me nervous because you never know what they might do.
It doesn’t help having trauma issues/PTSD/DID and just never knowing what situation might trigger things. I hate leaving the house and always wondering how it will go, will I get through it without a random noise making me jump or a person triggering me somehow or will it actually be okay and not make me feel like I need to be back home as fast as I can get there.
And then I see something crazy someone close to me posted on facebook about the US election and Hilary Clinton. It made me feel uneasy and like they aren’t safe which brings up issues from the past when they were not safe regarding situations they put me in as a child.
When things like that start to accumulate, the triggers do at the same time, and even small things can become a trigger again. It gets exhausting and is scary because this horrible cycle starts.