I have been thinking of trying other types of therapy that aren’t just talking, like expressive therapies like art and play therapy. I have always had a hard time just letting go, relaxing, etc. even as a child (though I still could). It always has me on edge and fearing looking/feeling stupid if I act ‘too’ silly or something. And there is also the perfectionism which plays a role as well as not wanting to lose control. I will ask the psychiatrist if she knows anyone who might be a good fit (and not too expensive) so I can give it a try, though they would have to believe in DID/dissociation and have an understanding of trauma because that’s partly why I also would like to try something different and don’t know what potentially could come up in the process. If the psychiatrist doesn’t know of anyone, I will have to contact the few I found and see if they would be worth a try.

I would like to find someone with a cozy office with nice colored walls and comfy places to sit. The psychiatrist just has white walls and a couch. I can never really relax in there because it just isn’t that inviting.

I remember years ago when I was about 16 or so, I was in this group for teens with drug/alcohol problems. I didn’t have an addiction problem, but there was nothing else to put me in. I had done an art therapy group at one point, but the girls in it were very triggering to me. When I started the addiction program, it was all guys. At first, I was scared of them since I was the only girl and knew some of them had been court ordered to be there. But it was actually kind of okay. The program leaders were really cool too. They took us to do things like wall climbing or we did crafts, so it was a mix of serious and not so serious things.

During those few months, I started to have memories of trauma/abuse come up. There was a male therapist in an office below where the program took place, so I was given the chance to see him. I don’t remember if I saw him more than once, but I remember he had me draw a picture of my family when I was a certain age. It ended up triggering a part/alter. I remember all of a sudden my body jumping up from the chair and hearing myself yelling at him, except it wasn’t me. I heard the alter say something to him about he was doing things by a textbook and wasn’t a real therapist or something and then ran out of the room. I was so confused and scared by it and didn’t understand what happened. I felt so horrible about it that I apologized to him the next day but didn’t explain it. He was nice thankfully and didn’t seem upset by it.

I also did an art therapy group when I was in an alternative school for a semester in high school. It was kind of just stupid though and not really helpful. Group settings are not my favorite thing even though I have also been in a lot for various things (mostly in eating disorder treatment that included CBT, DBT, and random other ones). I prefer one-on-one.