Things have been kind of quiet in my head for the last week. Well, not really, but I haven’t been able to really hold on to the thoughts or feelings. A lot has been coming up, nothing new, but it can sidetrack me.
I can feel the darkness in my head again. It’s a mix of places from the past and other parts (alters). It gets confusing and is like shadows in the back of my head. I can never make sense of any of it. It just lingers, and I never know what to do with it besides just accept it’s there and distract myself since I don’t really get new information to go with it, just the unsettling feelings attached to it all.
As much as my past was bad or scary, there were good parts too. It’s just that there was so much terror and bad that a lot of the good just got pushed away. I was rarely ever just ‘me’ then. It was always a fight to survive, to be safe, to be in control, but there was no control. I was like a puppet between the people in my environment and the other parts even though the other parts were there to help/protect me. There was usually a mix of me and other parts, but I don’t think I ever really knew that. There was always a part on edge and watching.
Sometimes, it’s hard to keep your head up. It takes a lot of effort. And when you are tired, it’s easier for things to come up.
I got through Halloween. It’s not really a favorite. It’s hard to like something that is based on creating fear when you don’t find being scared fun. That and the lack of control, the permission that seems to be given on that day for things to happen, etc. And, of course, the terror I grew up with in general. It doesn’t mix well. But I survived it and am glad it is over. I try to pretend the day doesn’t exist, and as long as there is nothing going on outside to make me aware of it, I am able to. Now to get through the next few months which also bring up fear and grief issues….